Friday, November 16, 2007

Up Close and Personal

16 November 2007 Day 39
Originally uploaded by lilituc.

I will tell you a secret. When I feel something is wrong, I test my bg (75 cents) and test for ketones ($5.60) not because I think I will see something, but because I want it to be something that I can fix. I want it to be something manageable, like diabetes. Some of my health issues are only partly manageable. Right now one of them is managing me.

I lived with chronic pain from about 1994 to 2005. I say "lived" because the pain went from 5-6 to 1-2, not because I was not having any pain after that. Anyway, I got used to it. OTC pain medications didn't do anything for it, so I didn't bother taking them. I saw a long line of doctors who, I guess because of my circumstances, told me I was "hysterical," that it was "all in my head," acknowledged I was having the pain but said they couldn't do anything about it (?), who said I needed acupuncture (tried it), meditation (do it), needed to relax more (did it) and who sent me to specialists who were even nicer than that.

Now, they did find out that I have some very serious conditions, which they started treating in 2003. Most of the seemingly unrelated diagnoses I have are related to nerves. Please don't tell me to see a neurologist; I've seen two and neither was interested in actually diagnosing or helping me in any way. I've given up on that for now. I'm pretty convinced now that the real issue is that when they were passing out neurological systems, I drew the short, twisted straw and it is manifesting partly as some conditions that don't even have names right now.

I'm not sure why the pain (mostly) went away. It went down when I went on a beta blocker, and dropped significantly when I went on insulin, as did my chronic fatigue, but there's really no explanation in that, is there? Now, I did have bad days here and there where I was back up at 5 or 6 and an occasional 7; this happened mostly when the pressure changed outside.

These past two weeks, though, I've been firmly at 7. The first couple days, OTC medication worked, but not since then. I am not that active to begin with and now I'm having trouble with things like getting around my house. I can't seem to regain my lost skill: getting used to it. So, next week I have to go see my somewhat new Internal Med doctor, whom I have never chatted with about the chronic pain before, and tell him that the pain is back, and that no one ever found a reason for it. But what can he do? Give me a stronger painkiller? Will I have to take it forever? I am worried.


In Search Of Balance said...

I'm so sorry to hear about that. It's hard to think you aren't being heard by the people who are supposed to help you! I hope this doc is a good listener with some good options for you. I'll be thinking of you.

I know you've been under a lot of stress lately, and I know you're still grieving... has the pain been worse since then? Some things, like Lupus, get worse with stress... if it's not something that can be treated with regular meds, or if you doc seems to have few ideas, maybe treating the stress part would be a good way to get back under 7? A short term of anti-depressants or something? To give your body a chance to remember the getting used to it thing...

Anyhow, whatever comes of your visit to the new doc, I'll be sending you good thoughts and hoping you get a solutions that works!!!

Amylia said...

Lovely Lili, I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I know what you mean about wanting the not well feeling to be something manageable, something fixable. I hate not having reasons for things, or not knowing what they are.

i have no words of wisdom.
just thinking of you and wishing you well.

Amalas said...

Chronic pain? Have you/they looked into Fibromyalgia? My mom was in a lot of pain all the time until they figured that out. Now she takes various things (I wish I could remember exactly) and she feels sooo much better.

Anyway, I hope you are feeling okay today. *hug*

Lili said...

Beth - thank you. I'm not sure whether the stress level has changed; it does seem kind of constant to me. I will definitely ask my doctor about that, though.

Amylia - thank you.

Amalas - some of my symptoms are very similar to fibro, but fibro has been ruled out. Hopefully my doctor will work with me. Thanks.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Hey Lili,

That sounds like no fun at all.

Just wanted to drop a note to let you know I'm thinking of you and hope that you a) start feeling better, and b) can find the root cause and get it fixed.

Lili said...

Thanks, Scott.